Upperclassmen motivation is at record breaking low *April Fools*

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Sarah Lange

Junior Sarah Fleming takes a quick nap on an AP Chemistry textbook

Sarah E. Fleming, Online Editor

In a new shocking report by Greek newspaper the Ευτυχισμένο κοράκι γενεθλίων, new studies have shown that upperclassmen motivation is at world record-breaking low. Greek researcher Κραγιόν στη λευκή τσάντα Valentino μου stated that they are shocked at how the levels of procrastination dramatically start to drop by the mid-quarter of quarter one. “We took the average of all juniors and seniors GPAs throughout the year and the results shook us to the core,” said researcher Πώς ξέρετε τι είναι καλό για μένα. “We were very shocked on how low their levels of caring were as well. We could throw things at them, push them, murder people right in front of them, etc. and they wouldn’t even notice us. The only time they did pay us any attention is when we offered them food or beverages or took their earbuds out of their ears, and only then they would scowl or hurl profanities, or in the case of food eat it like a hungry dog.” A researcher focusing on grades, Οδική εργασία μπροστά, discovered that as highschoolers move up in grade level, they seem to lose more and more care about anything they do. For example, the researcher told me that a highschooler as a sophomore would stress out about getting a C in a class, but next year when that sophomore is a junior, they would simply be grateful they weren’t failing that class. When asked about this study, one senior said, “do you have any food?” whereas a junior told me they were too tired to talk to me right now. It seems that the only thing keeping upperclassmen going is 30 minutes of sleep and a lethal amount of caffeine in their body.


Bonus: translate the Greek names for a surprise!