A List of 5 things that Irritate, Anger, Upset, or Confuse Me

“Dinosaur” by shvmoz is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0

Contributor, Nathaniel DeJesus

1. You ever do something that requires a high amount of concentration with your hands, but then your nose itches? It’s always specifically your nose too, it’s never like your elbow or your rib that itches, it’s always the nose. You can’t wipe your sleeve over your nose to relieve it either, no, you have to free one hand and get your finger up in your nostril and start digging. You relieve the itch, but now you have a contaminated finger. That means you either have to accept your finger contaminating your controller, keyboard, pencil or whatever you’re touching, or you have to waste even more time going out and cleaning it off. This happens every single time I’m doing something important. Is it genetic, is there a gene specifically in my body that causes my nose to itch whenever I’m doing something that requires both my hands? My nose never itches when my hands are free. What is the evolutionary practicality of such a gene? I don’t see any. But then again, there are so many other useless things in or on the human body as well, like your pinky finger. Name me one time your pinky finger was vital to holding onto something. Exactly, you can’t. The pinky is useless, nothing more than a fifth, stubby finger. Why couldn’t we get a second thumb instead? I mean a fully functional one on the other side of the hand, not like a vestigial one growing out of the first thumb. Then we’re just back to having another useless finger. Are thumbs even fingers? I’ve heard it somewhere before that thumbs are separate from fingers. I don’t know anymore, the world is moving too rapidly and I can’t keep up anymore. Why am I having an existential crisis over fingers? Why am I continuing to write about fingers? Fingers are gross actually, we should all have crab hands instead.

 

2. Star Wars fans are really strange to me. I’m convinced that Star Wars is a gateway into some weird cult because I don’t know any other fanbase that are as fanatical as they are. Every situation, especially politics, they have to compare to Star Wars. It’s like they’re unable to disconnect from the movies and have to compare everything to them. I mean, I’m a big Jurassic Park fanatic, but I don’t pull out Ian Malcom quotes everytime something happens in politics. A lot of them also clutter their rooms with decorations and material based on Star Wars, almost like a shrine. I have, on more than one occasion mind you, seen teachers who have dedicated their entire classroom to Star Wars. I don’t think any kid should go through the horror of being constantly stared at by an off-looking Yoda the teacher has hung on the wall. I am seriously weirded out by the fact that a lot of fans consider Star Wars such a large part of their very identity, I mean I have been heavily influenced by several pieces of media, but I again think it’s weird considering them part of your identity. Like when they’re filling out a job application or something asking for traits to describe themselves or whatever, do they write something like “Honest, Hardworking, Star Wars Fan”? It’s weird. If you have done any of these things, you’re weird. You can think I’m attacking you weird Star Wars fans all you want, truth be told I have been very merciful to you. I have been told I am a great writer, and I can easily write an email to district faculty explaining that those Star Wars-themed classrooms are a distraction to students and thus a detriment to their education. Don’t test me. Unless I am in one of your classes and we’re referring to academic testing. Then you can test me.

 

3. I have a problem with people who don’t like Chef Boyardee canned pasta foods. I can understand thinking they don’t taste good, but not liking them? That’s treacherous. I want you to find me one chef who has done more for Italian food than Chef Boyardee himself. Chef Boyardee has made delicious pasta foods easy, accessible, and convenient for everyone in this country. Try to find any food drive or family-owned convenience store that does not have Chef Boyardeeor some off-brand of it. You can’t, it is impossible. Chef Boyardee has done more good for this country than you ever have, so I think it’s about time you show him some respect. Our country is plagued with problems, and to use any brain energy for not liking Chef Boyardee is a waste. The world does not revolve around you and your unnecessary disdain for Chef Boyardee, in fact it is quite the opposite. The world actually revolves around Chef Boyardee, and the sun is just the immense energy he gives off. You can’t debunk me, there is no evidence disproving that the center of the sun isn’t Chef Boyardee himself. Thereinfor, Chef Boyardee is responsible for all life on the planet. You owe everything to Chef Boyardee, he has given you the very gift of existence, and yet you still continue to disrespect his name. Next time you’re at the store, and come across a canned food aisle, I want you to find a can of delicious Chef Boyardee pasta, and thank him for the life he has given you. And maybe, just maybe, you can repay him by buying a can. Personally, I like the Spaghetti with Meatballs.

 

4. I’m still not over the extinction of the non-avian dinosaurs (the ones that aren’t birds, which yes, birds are actual dinosaurs). I mean, I wasn’t around for it, in fact, the human race directly benefited from it as that is what allowed our mammalian ancestors to spread and diversity, and fill in the ecological niches left by the absence of the non-avian dinosaurs. But it would be so much cooler if we, as the sentient species on this planet, were dinosaur people. It would basically be like The Flintstones but without the actual Flintstone family, or Turok but without Turok. Every piece of technology being tamed dinosaurs? The cool factor of that alone makes any disadvantage from a practical perspective moot. I know what you nerds are thinking, “If dinosaurs were standard, you would find them just as boring as you find modern animals!”, you’re wrong, dinosaurs are objectively the best group of animals. Name any animal alive right now, and there is always a dinosaurian equivalent that is bigger, stronger, and deadlier. Rhinos? Triceratops. Giraffes? Brachiosaurus. Lions? Tyrannosaurus. Wolves? Velociraptor. Crocodiles? Spinosaurus. Birds? Birds are already dinosaurs, they can stay. If you present a dinosaur next to its modern ecological equivalent, the dinosaurs are always superior in almost every way. The only reason the dinosaurs went extinct is because of a freak asteroid, not because they were in any way flawed. If that same asteroid hit now, most modern creatures would also go extinct. Only the smallest, and most intelligent creatures would survive. Which, ironically enough, would be birds; the avian dinosaurs. If the circumstances that caused the mammals to inherit the earth from dinosaurs were to be repeated, then the dinosaurs would inherit the earth from the mammals, and once again rule the world.

 

5. You know what really makes me want to buy your product? Having a five second ad on YouTube that plays on nearly every video, with an annoying song excerpt. I love hearing the same song lyric repeatedly, absolutely fantastic. You know what? Why not make it shorter? Just have a one second ad that plays an extremely grating noise. Brilliant, I love that. All of that was sarcasm by the way, I despise it with every fiber of my soul when companies do that. Just play a small jingle or have a short voice-over slogan, no songs excerpts. The worst ones were probably the Google Stadia ads, remember those? You probably didn’t want to, but I’m bringing them up because they were the absolute worst. Actually, writing the last two words of that sentence, it tried to auto-complete it to “absolute best”. Nice try Google, actually that was sarcasm again, you aren’t slick. Google Stadia was a massive failure, all because of its advertising campaign. They poorly managed to get across what the product actually was, but they did manage to irritate everyone forced to listen to their ads. Every time I got a Google Stadia ad, it took a year off my life. I’m in negative years, my continued existence is an anomaly. If I die, one of you gets to sue Google for killing me. You’ll have to fight for it though, I don’t really care how, I just want to create conflict in death as I have in life. And just like in life, the fruits of your labour with me shall provide no reward, as the case will be immediately thrown out. You know what fruit will also be immediately thrown out? This apple I’m eating. Disgusting, it tastes like dirt. Apples grow on trees, how do you make an apple taste like dirt? I mean I could just not eat it, but then again it is 1/3rd of the lunch or breakfast given to me. Yes by the way, I am totally padding this section out to appear as long as the other ones. Think of it as a neat bonus, completely free! Although, if the product isn’t also sold without the bonus, then it technically isn’t a bonus. You think I care about technicality? Actually, I do in some instances, I’m just an indecisive hypocrite. There we go, I think I have padded this out to a satisfactory level. 

That concludes that list, it was in no particular order, and I have wasted many valuable time and resources working on this for no benefit for any of the parties involved. Ain’t I stinker? Imagine me in your head chewing a carrot like Bugs Bunny, I’m too lazy to photoshop it myself.