In an unforeseen turn of events, the Noctiluca website has been added to the national database of ghost towns by the database’s curator, Ceen A. Specter. Spector came to his decision because of the revolutionary lack of activity on the Noctiluca website. “It was amazing to see how deserted the website was,” Spector said, “there were still articles on the homepage from last May! If that isn’t complete and total abandonment, then I don’t know what is!”

When the editor of the Noctiluca website, Sarah Fleming, was asked for comment, she stated “I really am trying to keep this website updated, but there is only so much I can write about. I once published two favorite vines articles in one week! In fact, I’m the one writing this very article since nobody else would write it! Do you know how weird it is to write about yourself in the third person?”

Fleming also mentioned that a lack of contributors is a big factor on the absolutely desolate website. “Honestly at this point, I’m trying to get anyone I can to write for the website,” Fleming said. “Mr. Ramponi and I have agreed that as soon as Baby George Ramponi learns how to write, he too will start writing for the website. I’ve tried threatening contributors, harassing them, stalking them, blackmailing them, kidnapping them, and even trying to pay them to write for the website, and nothing seems to be working! After several cease and desist letters, I simply don’t understand why people don’t want to write for the website! My last resort is to sacrifice some of my fingers to Joseph Pulitzer, which is a small price to pay for some good website content.”

Stay tuned during this week for more SATIRE articles!